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In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.
Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.
The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.
Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.
Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.
Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.
Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.
We have art to save ourselves from the truth.
I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.
Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.
Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.
The cynics are right nine times out of ten.
Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.
It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.
An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.
Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives
Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.
All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.
We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.
Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.
C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.
The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.
Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.
To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.
Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.
Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.
Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.
Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.
I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.
Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.
It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently
Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.
The covers of this book are too far apart.
The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.
> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...
The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.
Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.
I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.
It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.
That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--
The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.
Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.
A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.
If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?
My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.
An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.
Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...
If theres one thing I know its God does love a good joke.
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.
Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.
Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.
To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.
The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.
Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.
Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.
Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes
I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.
Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.
Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.
We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.
There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.
One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.
I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.
The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.
If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.
It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.
War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.
Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
In this war as in others I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.
I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .
Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?
All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.
How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.
Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.
I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.
The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.
Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.
Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.
Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.
Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.
Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.
I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.
Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.
It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.
My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !
Everything that can be invented has been invented.
If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.
A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.
I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.
Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.
Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.
In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.
C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.
I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.
The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.
Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.
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